Am I the only one who sits on Groupon, constantly fantasizing about all the places I could go for only $699? I mean seriously, my boyfriend thinks I’m crazy because I will casually bring up a place…let’s go to CAPE TOWN…oh, wait no, let’s go to TAZMANIA! He will blankly stare, then say “You’re on Groupon again aren’t you?” I can’t help it. I’m addicted to looking 🙂

Regardless, I had to try this shit out for myself. I couldn’t let another Groupon…getaway (see what I did there). I love to plan out pretty much half the year based on where we want to travel. February is the major travel month, but since my BF can’t get away as often as I can, we have to sometimes settle for long weekend vacations. For his birthday in June, I decided to ask him where he’s been dying to go. Somewhere close since we only had 4 days, his first response? JAMAICA.

DONE! Once he gave me the go ahead I started my search. I like to price out stuff on my own to make sure no one is ripping me off. I looked at flights and compared…all-inclusive places mixed with flights and transportation, etc…still Groupon seemed to be cheaper. How cheap exactly? $1200 for two people INCLUDING flights AND an all inclusive resort. That’s pretty fucking cheap. Since he wanted to stay close to the cliffs on the coast, I decided to look for something that had everything.

AH HAAA. I had found the perfect getaway! Samsara Cliff Resort in Negril, Jamaica. JACKPOT. Or at least that’s what I thought…let me take you on a little journey through my SECOND Groupon Getaway Experience.

[wp-svg-icons icon=”coin” wrap=”i” size=”35px” color=”#efb3e2″] Booking

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The booking part was easy. If you have ever used Groupon Getaway’s before, you know they give you options on which airport to fly out of and on what days. Easy peasy. The trip was through Vacation Express, so before I actually bought it, I called them making sure the dates we wanted to leave were still available. After a short phone call and a couple clicks, JAMAICA WAS BOOKED. Damn, I’m such a good girlfriend. Our flight would be at 7 am getting us there at 10 am so that we don’t miss out on an extra day from flying. Time to think about WTF I am going to pack, and surprise my BF!

[wp-svg-icons icon=”airplane” wrap=”i” size=”35px” color=”#efb3e2″] Flying There

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Alright bitches, this is where it gets good…or bad I should say. We live an hour from the airport, and since you are SUPPOSE to be there 3 hours before for international flights, we got up at the ass crack of dawn to catch our plane. Once in line, we received note that there would be a slight delay. Mind you…it’s now 6 am, way too early for this shit. I needed coffee and some food. They promised they would update us regularly and to keep an eye out for time or gate changes. So a couple of hours go by and the plane keeps getting delayed. At this point I’m getting pissed because it is starting to eat into our vacation time. Atlanta airport is nice and all but I wanna be drinking on a beach. BEACH PLEASE.

After another hour, we start to get antsy. No one seems to know whats going on and our flight time keeps changing…so we ended up paying $50 pp to sit in the Delta Sky Club. Might as well pregame since everyone seems to be fucking us around. Long story short, THANK GOD we paid for the lounge because our flight didn’t end up leaving until 8 PM. YES BITCHES…A WHOLE 14 HOURS we spent at the airport. I swear, I got drunk, hung over and drunk again before that shit took off. Why didn’t we go home? WELL, because they kept telling us all these lies. “The plane is on its way.” “We will be boarding shortly.” Blah blah..oh don’t worry. I raised hell but there was nothing we could do. Flew into Jamaica around 10 pm. Day wasted.

[wp-svg-icons icon=”truck” wrap=”i” size=”35px” color=”#efb3e2″] Once we got there

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Phew. Finally touch down…100 hours later it felt like. The Jamaican airport was pretty much closing once we landed so everyone had to be hurried to the only customs check available. After a long day, we got a taxi to our hotel. Since we flew into Montego Bay, the drive was about 2 hours to Negril…which we knew ahead of time but were mad about once we finally landed. At least the taxi driver stopped at his friend’s house to pick up an oz. of marijuana for only $30. Pretty sure there were twigs we picked out of it, but nonetheless we had to take what we could get. Plus, at the point, a blunt and a cocktail seemed like our only saving grace.

[wp-svg-icons icon=”office” wrap=”i” size=”35px” color=”#efb3e2″]The Hotel

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You bitches should know me by now…I am A PLANNER. Why I didn’t research this hotel before hand is beyond me. Upon arrival, we were greeted by nice staff at an outdoor check in desk. HOT AS BALLS. but that was also expected. They give us the key and explain what they offer. Being the tired/hung over/semi drunk people we were, we hardly paid attention. Went to put our stuff down and went straight to the bar. I will go into detail later about our experience in Jamaica as a country but for now, I’ll stick to the basics.

We saw one restaurant that was already closed when we got there, and a small outside bar with a live band. Got a couple drinks…really syrupy and sweet. Not our idea of all-inclusive. We roll up a blunt, sit by the ocean and unwind from the crazy day.

As our vacation went on, we realized our hotel sucked. ALL INCLUSIVE MY ASS. Only certain drinks were all-inclusive AND the one restaurant was only open during certain parts of the day for buffet, if you were hungry between those times, you had to pay. No, not some amazing 5 course buffet either…it was like some lunch lady was in the back serving up mystery meat. I was so disappointed. My boyfriend deserved a nice vacation and here we were in this shit hole, and could hardly get drunk or full. We always have the best time together and try to make the most of the situation. We ended up bar hopping and enjoying our time there around the island. We had a pretty good view from the cliffs of the hotel too so that made it a little more bearable.

[wp-svg-icons icon=”road” wrap=”i” size=”35px” color=”#efb3e2″] The Road Home

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 So I’m skipping the details about our time in Jamaica, since like I said, that’s another story in itself. The last day there, I wanted to leave the hotel early so we could explore and have lunch in Montego Bay. Called a cab but the front desk lady said the bus would take us for way cheaper. Once we got on the bus, it was packed…somehow we found 2 seats next to each other and plopped down for the 2 hour ride. The driver proceeds to stop at every hotel along the way, trying to cram as many people on the bus as possible. It got so bad that luggage started flying everywhere, people were yelling. It was so damn hot out…we were all miserable. We tried to get off and just take cab but he wouldn’t give up our suitcase saying it was on the bottom. UGHHHH I am so mad at this point. The whole trip just seemed like a disaster.

FINALLY, we get to Montego Bay, but ended up having to go straight to the airport because the dumb bus fucker got us there too late. I’m starving, angry, and ready to leave. As we get in line, an announcement is made that our plane is DELAYED. Seriously?? ARE YOU JOKING? We looked at each other and said fuck this, we’re going to eat then.

Take a cab, blah blah..explore and have lunch…come back…delayed even more. Once we check in the airline gave us a $15 voucher for food. We go through the duty-free store, pick up about 5 bottles of liquor and go drink our sorrows away at an airport bar. Hour’s go by, still nothing. Delay after delay…this is getting ridiculous. People have jobs they need to get back to. After we wait over 8 hours in the airport, they CANCEL THE FLIGHT.

You can only imagine the rage I have in my soul at this point. It wasn’t once, it wasn’t twice but 3 fucking times are we being jerked around by this company and their flights. To make matters worse, after we were told we now have to go check in our liquor and leave it at the airport since we were all getting put up in hotels, someone ran past my liquor box and broke two bottles. REFUSING TO PAY FOR THEM.

This place was not for us. 

I’m sorry if I’m yelling at you, I don’t mean it. But do you not see how frustrated we were?? Everything that could go wrong, DID.

[wp-svg-icons icon=”sun-3″ wrap=”i” size=”35px” color=”#efb3e2″] One night in Paradise

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I’ll quit bitching for a second because something good did come out of this. After a crazy day/night the airline canceled our flight yet again, and decided to put us in an all-inclusive resort overnight. We are shuttled to this hotel and boy oh boy was it nice. The Riu in Montego Bay: An all-inclusive hotel and spa with pools, 5 restaurants open late, bars everywhere, live music…the list goes on. This was better than the hotel we stayed at for our entire trip!! Not to mention we get to our king size suite bedroom complete with rum dispensers that were full AND free! A bathtub with columns and a balcony overlooking the back part of the hotel. WE WERE IN HEAVEN. Since today was my BFs actual birthday, we decided to hit the bottle hard and check out the place. We got drunk, went skinny dipping and “relaxed” in our room around 4 am. We had to live it up and take full advantage of everything free! The next morning we wake up, get our stuff together, eat an amazing buffet breakfast overlooking the water and then make the journey back to the airport, hopefully for the last time.

[wp-svg-icons icon=”home-2″ wrap=”i” size=”35px” color=”#efb3e2″] Going Home

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Thanks for sticking around through the bullshit, were finally on the last leg of the trip!

Today is the day, June 17, 2015 that we get to go back home to America. As we get our stuff to leave, we find a Vacation Express rep to give us some information. First words out of their mouth? Flight delayed. I am speechless at the point. I have no words and every nerve in my body has been shot multiple times. Luckily we weren’t back in the airport and could still enjoy the resort but STILL. No amount of alcohol could keep me there any longer.

After a couple of hours, we were shuttled to the airport, flight gets delayed many times and then by the grace of God, we board the plane; only to sit on it for another 1 1/2 hours before takeoff. This was by far the worst experience I have ever had with flying. My job requires me to work from home so honestly I could have stayed and none of that would have mattered. But when you are running at multi million dollar company, you can’t afford to miss days for no reason. I could see the blank stare on the plane, how stressful my BF was through all of this. After days of disappointment, we were finally going home.

[wp-svg-icons icon=”sad” wrap=”i” size=”35px” color=”#efb3e2″] The Conclusion

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Hmmm, I wonder what you think I am going to say? I would like to first take responsibility for booking a shitty hotel. I did not do my research like I usually do beforehand so that was totally my fault. HOWEVER, it was not my fault that Vacation Express completely screwed up flight after flight after flight, making us miss valuable vacation time and only offering $15 vouchers to us to eat. In my eyes, that’s absurd! Now, I do not think this is a bad reflection of Groupon, but simply a dumb ass mistake on my part for not going through the proper rules when planning a trip. I have absolutely learned my lesson and sometimes cheap isn’t always the best! Will I buy another Groupon Getaway? Most likely, yes. But will I let this much chaos go on without taking more action? Fuck No.

I hope you can learn something from this experience. Have you ever bought a GG before?? OR have you had a terrible experience with an airline/company/travel agency? I wanna hear all about it in the comments!

Notice how I said SECOND since this was not the first time I have ever bought a groupon getaway. The first time was way more enjoyable and worth it…but until my next vacation…

xo Bonvoyage Bitches