Ahhh Bali…one of the most love/
hate relationships I have ever had with visiting a place.
Housing: Right from the start, Bali took my breath away. After a week previously spent in Dubai, this beautiful place on the other side of the world just completely stole my heart. First thing falling in love with being our amazing Villa. Nestled in the outskirts of Ubud, Bali’s capital, was this one bedroom villa we found of VRBO for around $80 USD a night! A NIGHT!! $80 freaking dollars. It had an infinity pool, an outside bathroom (not like an outhouse) but an inside/outside bathroom and the most spectacular view of the rice paddies! And I got to spend an entire week during Valentine’s Day here! Yeah…what did you do? Ate 2 month old chocolate out of a heart shaped box of disappointment probably. The owner, a retired lawyer from Canada AYE! was probably what made our entire trip go so smooth. Months before we arrived he helped me plan out a detailed schedule so we could fit something into every hour of our trip! Hotels can be nice, but they can have screaming kids who love to shove their disgusting hands in the buffet bar..so yeah we wanted our privacy, for obvious reasons 😉
I mean..look at this view
Entrance to the Infinity Villa
FOOD: I am a fat kid at heart so at every moment of every day I am thinking, dreaming, drooling about food! Bali Buda was the first place we ate..not quite what I was expecting since I am a sucker for butter and carbs..but it was good. For all of my healthy kale/vegan/yoga instructor/hippy/hates anything with flavor friends..this would definitely be a place to visit! Later that night since we were on weird sleeping schedules we ended up ordering pizza from there and had it delivered..MUCH BETTER! Pizza is my weakness and I will make it my goal to have pizza in every country/city in the world. We ate at many different restaurants while there, but my favorite food was definitely the homemade food from a local after on of our attractions. Oh man..this rice soup was to die for. Four plates later, I think I was making everyone else feel uncomfortable as soup dripped down my face and I’m talking 90 mph to all the others around us. OOPS!
Beautiful views for every meal
!CAUTION!–People are known to go to Bali and get Bali Belly..which can result in major bowel movements from both ends of your body..I always pack a large bag of magic pills with me so I will always be prepared for things like this. (consisting of immodium, advil, allergy medicine, xanax, percs, adderall, haha you notice I did say magic pills right?) Just be careful about the food you eat and the water you drink. Me on the other hand never got Bali Belly..probably because those 5 years of binge drinking and eating Taco Bell at 3 am made it so my stomach and my asshole could handle anything!
Nightlife: Hopefully you have read my About Me section..I AM A PARTY GIRL. Nightlife is always the highlight of my trip and this vacation was no different. I asked my wonderful host to book us a driver for a whole 12 hours so we could go party at all the places I had read about online. First stop, Cocoon..boring… Just a big pool with no real view and overpriced drinks. So we walked in and right back out and made our way to Potato Head..NOT BORING! This place was awesome! Two restaurants that overlooked this Miami style seating and grassy area along with another amazing infinity pool that backed the beach. Most of our day was spent here, and by the 7th leg spreader shot and too many glasses of Atomic Punch, that’s where the real fun began! We met an Aussie “couple” (actually a just a guy on vacation with his mistress) and had a blast trading stories. Eventually me and the mistress came to the conclusion that why do we need to wear a top?? “MEN HAVE NIPPLES TOO” we shouted as we removed our bathing suit top. We all watched the most beautiful sunset..topless and just enjoying life to the fullest..no.fucks.given. That dream slowly faded as we were all very faded..luckily we had our driver take us to a cute restaurant where we shoveled more food into our mouth before hitting Ku De Ta. **Shout-out to my amazing boyfriend who always plays babysitter/hair holder backer/and dress puller downer when I have had a little too much to drink..I love you and appreciate all you say you did for me the nights before. YOU DA REAL MVP** I would love to say we danced until the sun came up but day drinking mixed with 5 pounds of good Bali food made it so I was passed out snoring on the way home around 1 am.
I would show you us with our nipples out but my mama might read this and have a stroke so here just a view from Potato Head!
Okay okay sorry mom, but yes here is proof of my topless sunset..but seriously..look at the sunset. AMAZING!
Attractions: My boyfriend and I are very active 😉 haha got you again! We love adventure and adrenaline activities so when planning with Max, our host..we found all the exciting things to do in Bali. Our favorite being Canyoneering. This is where you repel/climb/swim/skip through waterfalls, canyons and other shit..nothing like we had ever done or heard of before! Other activities we did included-White Water Rafting, an Eco bike tour, the Monkey Forest, getting a massage and scootering around the city. Okay okay, the Monkey Forest was also was one of our top favorite, just a little less effort to enjoy..even better. The Eco bike tour was good, however both of us do not like being in big groups where we have to wait on other people. We also love seeing things and moving on..I honestly retain like 2% of the knowledge that is told to me on any tour and that 2% usually has to do with food or alcohol. We did get to try the Kopi Luwak known to be one of the most expensive coffee’s in the world. I mean..I can say I had it yes, but I loaded mine with sugar and it tasted like every other cup of coffee I’v had only a little smoother. The massage on the other hand was hands down the best massage ever. Max asked his girlfriend CoCo (yes i’m in love with CoCo) to give me a massage in his mansion that sat behind our villa. A room upstairs boasted two doors wide open that looked off into the distance. 60 minutes of heaven. My advice is to not always take everyone else’s advice. If you do not think you will like doing something, such as a tour or hike then don’t! Research ideas beforehand and no I do not mean the top ten things to do according to Trip Advisor. Sculpt your vacation into everything YOU want to do!
Dirting biking around
Coffee made from shit (literally)
This was the view from my massage by the wonderful CoCo
Culture: Whenever you find yourself wandering to another country, submerging yourself into their culture is the key to not looking like an ignorant twat. When someone comes to America and doesn’t understand our culture, we act a damn fool so don’t go to another country expecting things to be how they are at home. You have to be more inclined to understand and take in the culture. The Balinese people are absolutely incredible. Always willing to provide and help. Although we may view a 3rd world culture as less fortunate..it is nice to see that their whole country does not revolve around money. Yes, things are much cheaper and money does rule the world, but the value of the dollar to them far exceeds what most people in other more developed countries view it as. (cough cough AMERICA cough) They have a sense of family, friendship and they are always willing to GIVE without getting.. that surpasses any amount of money. Be kind and always say please and thank you, those couple of words go a long way.
Attempting to fit in
The Temples: Although we did not get to see as many temples as I wanted, Bali temples are known for their beauty, sacredness and serenity. Honestly, I just wanted to see them because they look fucking pretty online..and they were just as beautiful in person.
Pura Besakih “The Mother Temple”
Pura Taman Ayun
Elephant Safari: Had to put this in it’s own category since it was just spectacular! Of course this was the attraction that we did on Valentine’s Day (did I mention this was our one year anniversary as well? Double the love! *he tried to kill two birds with one stone with that one but I’ll let it slide*) We got to feed elephants, mamas and babies..watch them splash around in a gigantic pool, do tricks on step stools and had one of the best buffets of our entire trip! A late night stroll on the back of an elephant, in a different country, snuggled up to your sweet significant other..how much better could it of been? Definitely one of the top most romantic things to do while in Bali!
Driving/Road System: I guess before I traveled here I thought this trip would be just another stroll in the park. Ohhhh nooo, from the moment we got off the plane and into a van I knew I was in for the very long haul. So on a map of Bali, 30 kilometers seems to look like it will take you around 30-45 minutes, nope..took us almost an hour and a half just to go 30 miles! Trust me, as much alcohol as I consume, my stomach can normally handle just about anything, but when you have half paved streets mixed with opposite side of the road AND opposite driver sides, it completely threw me off. Not to mention the group of mopeds that would pass us going 50MPH with 5 kids sardined onto a 2 person seat. I hated this the most because it really took away from our trip. Much of the activities were not close, so we would be spending 3-5 hours every single day in the car to go somewhere. Advice: Find a couple places in Bali you would like to stay..Ubud, Kuta..etc and plan to spend 2-3 day or however long you have and hop around from town to town so you don’t spend all your time in a damn car!!
Beach Nagging: My boyfriend rented a surf board so I decided to get a nice little chair and post up on the beach to catch some rays..from the moment I sat down I was constantly being nagged. Ohhh nice pretty lady…would you like to buy my paintings? My bracelets? My hats? This box of sand? My child? Like OH EM GEE you are blocking my sunlight!! I try to be as nice as I can so others do not judge me as a stuck up American cunt but you have crossed the line when I close my eyes and a random lady starts rubbing my feet. NO!!! No No No, get those callused paws off of me. Finally I stomped over to the water and demanded to leave since I literally could not go 10 minutes without someone else harassing me. I know that is how those people make money but damn, next time I will leave a trail of breadcrumbs that leads to a cliff you can jump off.
The view before I was bombarded
The Bathrooms: I am not afraid to get down and dirty when it calls for me actually having to hold myself up to pee, Houston we have a problem! I don’t even hold my cheeseburger up, I rest it on my leg to eat, so what on earth makes you think I would like to hold my weight in a slippery hole in the ground? OH OH wait, there’s more…only a water hose to wash you off…Excuse me? You’d need to get a firetruck hose to wash my ass.
SIDE STORY: Just so you don’t think I’m a little whiny bitch..I think this is what did it for me..we were on our way back from rafting and I kindly asked to pull over at the next place to piss. Went into the bathroom and saw there was pretty much a hole in the ground on top of this platform. No problem right? Everything on the platform was slippery, so while trying to hold myself up to pee, I slipped, fell into a pool of my own piss and almost twisted my ankle. UGHHHHH. Not hating on the culture because how they do it over there but that does NOT mean I have to like it!
Bali does not have too much to hate, and maybe I shouldn’t even say
hatebut things I highly disliked about it. Listen bitches..I’m not by any means complaining about my trip. Just simply informing you that sometimes shit isn’t what it seems. Overall, the whole journey taught me so many things about myself and about others. How to deal with shit when things don’t go as planned. Be grateful for the experiences you get to enjoy, the luxuries you get to have and most importantly the people you get to meet. The world is a gigantic playground and you should experience every ride.
Have you visited Bali before? What were somethings you either loved or hated?
xo Bonvoyage Bitches
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